I miss one of my friends… a lot. And I wish that things weren’t all weird right now, because I miss talking to her. It really isn’t fair, this life, when people feel torn in two, and shouldn’t have to experience such things. *sigh* I never wanted to be in the middle of anything… and now it seems like I lose a friend, whom I care about, very deeply. I kinda feel like a part of me is missing. Not a fun experience. How do you stay neutral, and keep things separate, and be happy. I wish that I had the answer to this question, because it’s not fun when you miss anyone. It’s like the one person who means the world to me comes back into my life, and yet a very good friend walks out. I’m so happy, yet, at the same time I’m torn and feeling sad. I want to be able to share said happiness with her.

If you would have asked me, last week, if I thought that this week, during Heather’s hospital stay, that we’d sit and have a serious conversation, and end up in each others arms, exchanging touches and kisses, I would have said… “Never!! Not in a million years!” Good thing no one asked me that… because, I would have been so wrong!!! Who would have thought that we’d be where we are, today. All I know is that I am very happy… and very willing to take things as they come!!! This woman is worth everything to me…

I’m feeling anxious this morning. I’m going to meet Heather, at the hospital, in a couple of hours. Today she’s having her surgery, and she’s nervous. But, I’m glad that I get to be there with her. She wants me there, with her. I pray that this surgery is truly a medical success, and that before too long, Heather will have a much more normal, and pain-free life.

I got to spend the day up in Long Beach, with Heather.  Though our plans of going to the aquarium fell through (because there were hundreds of school kids there) I still got to spend the day with her.  Every single time she looked at me, I could feel my stomach do flip-flops.  I’m so totally confused about what she might feel for me… but, I know exactly how I feel.  Being at her house was strange.  Last time I was there, and in her bedroom, we had a wonderful time that I will NEVER forget.  We were sitting on her bed, next to each other, looking at books on her shelf.  And all I could think about was how much I wish that she would kiss me.  I’m pathetic… I know.  I’m crazy in-love with this woman.  I pray that I am not setting myself up for an even worse heartbreak. 

While I was up in Long Beach, the doctors office, here in SD, called Heather.  The bone for her ankle replacement is good… so, she will be checking into the hospital this coming Monday, for surgery.  I’m going to be there, for her, during the surgery, and after (and hopefully I will get to spend even a few moments with her before hand).  I’m so anxious for her to have this surgery.  I see her in pain, and it hurts me.  I pray that this surgery will work, and that Heather will be able to start walking again, without pain.  She deserves to have her life back.   All because some damn teenager was driving, without a license or insurance, blew through a light and destroyed the quality of Heather’s life.  And, she isn’t even in trouble for it.  How fair is that?  So, I truly hope that this surgery is a medical success, and that, soon, Heather will be pain free.

Have you ever given your heart to another, and felt so completely lost in them that you can feel them walking within the very essence of your soul? Do they dominate your thoughts, and appear in a starring role in all of your dreams? Can you see yourself, sitting on a porch swing, next to them… growing old, at their side? Do you feel like you’re complete when you’re in their presence, and find it hard to breathe when you part? Do you ache for that next moment when you will see them again, and see a smile light their face up? Do you find such utter beauty when you gaze into their eyes? Are they the most beautiful person you’ve ever seen, no matter what they look like?

She is all those things, and so much more, to my heart. And just a few hours with her… walking along the beach, and talking, are like a piece of heaven given to me, to hold close in my heart and mind, until I see her the next time. Seven months, and I STILL feel crazy about her. And I don’t think that it’s going to change any time soon.

I’m having a hard time concentrating… and I don’t know if I will even manage sleep tonight. Why, you ask? Well, I will tell you why…

Heather, is driving down from Long Beach, tomorrow, to see me. It’s been over 5 months since I saw her, held her, kissed her. And still, just a thought of her can evoke a plethora of immense feelings. I’m still in love with her. She is the reason why I’m happy to be single. Because there isn’t another woman that I want. It’s still her. Even though she hurt my heart, she still has my heart.

I don’t think that we will be anything other than friends… but, I have no idea. I don’t even know that I CAN be her friend. Yet, the thought of not getting to see her, talk to her, know how she is, kills me.

I’m terrified of those first few moments when I actually see her, in the morning, standing at my front door. How will it feel to hug her? Like heaven, I’m sure. My heart will yearn for what it doesn’t have… yet, I know that there will be nothing more.

More than anything about tomorrow, I feel overwhelmed about how I’m going to feel the moment she drives away. I’m already crying at the thought of saying “goodbye” to her, yet once again. This is the woman who I truly, to my core, felt that I could spend my life with her, and never grow tired of being with her.

Never look back… yet, my heart longs for what was, and prays for what it wants to be, once again.

The snow, the wind, the sun, and the sounds of nature can all be reminders to you that you’re and integral part of the natural world.

We are a part of everything… and everything is a part of us. It’s just the natural part of life. All living things… not just humans and animals, must co-exist. We are each a piece of life…

You need chaos in your soul to give birth to a dancing star.
~Friedrich Nietzsche

I love this quote. To me, it seems quite logical. We do need to have chaos, or a lot going on in our lives, in order to make something out of it. In order for a star to be born, there is much chaos (movement) happening. So, if we are to have movement in our lives, we have to have things going on in order to create that movement.

So, thanks to Donna coming down here, next month, for the weekend… and asking me to take her to a good tattoo artist… well, now I’m thinking about, and creating, tattoo number thre, in my head. I can’t wait… and am feeling VERY excited about it. So, now it’s a matter of coming up with WHAT I want. I’ve been tossing back and forth on what the next tattoo would be… and have about 4 – 5 more planned. But, I have to pick which one I will go with, next. I’m thinking that I REALLY want to get the next one on my calf, and I want to either do my yin yang symbol (getting all creative and adding things to it) or doing one of my cats…. Zinny or Boo Bear. So, now I have a month to really put thought into this, and to see if Heather Sinn is available that specific Saturday that Donna comes down. We shall see.

Ohhhhhhhhh…. I’m totally feeling excited. Can I actually make it another month, or should I get mine before that weekend, and save that day for just Donna to get hers!?!?!?????? Ugh… thinking… thinking… thinking!!!! Now I just need answers!!!

Practice catching yourself when you have a thought of what others want for you, and ask yourself, Does this expectation match up with my own?

For a long time now, I’ve really not cared what others think about me. And I still don’t. What others want for my life is their own wants. It isn’t mine. So, I’ve never really paid too much attention to what those people think, or want. And I think that it’s a practice that more people need to learn. Live your own life… because it’s the only thing that is truly yours.