I’ve never had stronger feelings in my life. I’ve never wanted to have something more than what I want now. What do I want? It’s really simple. Yet, it is a lot of work. I want to spend the rest of my life loving Heather, growing old with her, raising a family together, and living a life that I’ve dreamed of. And I will do anything that it takes to make that dream come true. She is the most amazing woman that I’ve ever known. Heather challenges me to be a better woman, without even doing anything. I just want to be the best that I can be, so that I can give her the best of everything… because she deserves that.

I’m really excited about going to Seattle, next month, to meet Heather’s mother, her best friend, other friends… and to see where the love of my life grew up. I can’t wait. I’m more excited about this trip than I am about spending a week with my nephew and niece. I look forward to sitting with her mother and just hearing stories about Heather growing up, and anything that her mom decides to share with me. I want to see pictures of her growing up. I CAN’T WAIT!!!!

I find myself wishing that I could REALLY express my feelings… but, I can’t. And for me, that is one of the most frustrating things, because I believe in deep communication.

Today, my brother called and informed me that he and Shani went to find out the sex of the baby. It’s going to be a girl. I’m so excited, I wanna jump around. My brother, Rob, on the other hand, is down in the dumps. Why? Because he has a boy and a girl, and was really hoping for a second boy. He had his heart set on a boy. I wanna just yell at him, telling him HOW blessed he is that he has two beautiful children, and another on the way. He has a marriage that makes him happy (even if he has a wife that makes all of our family feel like we aren’t wanted). He has a great career. What’s left? Yeah, I know… buying a home, and getting settled in that sense. But dayumn… he’s got everything, and I’m jealous. I want to be married, and I want to have a family. I want to tuck my kids into bed, and stand at the door with my wife, just watching our kids sleep. I want to wake up each morning and just enjoy the journey of life that a family has together. So, being upset that your kid is going to be a girl, instead of a boy, irritates me. I know that he will get over this. And I know that he will fall in love with this precious little girl, just like he is with Caleb and Addy. I just wish that people who got such wonderful blessings, so easily, would remember that there are many left wishing for what they have.

Just when I think that I can’t fall deeper in love with Heather… something happens. It can be a sweet word whispered to me, or a look in her eyes, or even just something that she does. But, I am finding myself falling, day after day, and sealing my heart, and soul, to this beautiful woman. I can’t imagine my life without her in it. The mere thought chokes me up, and threatens to tear apart my soul. So, I don’t think like that. All I know is that I’m experiencing things for the first time… a plethora of emotions, a sense of being, a calming of my mind. When I’m around her, I feel peaceful. I feel like I’m home. And I look forward to each moment I get to be with her. And I am excited about this journey, together… seeing where it takes us. I would follow her anywhere, without thought, because my heart willingly trusts her, completely.

You ever feel like your on the edge of something, but you don’t know what that something is? I’m not saying that it’s something bad… but, it’s like you’re standing out on the precipice of life, overlooking everything, yet you can’t see it. And a huge wind is blowing, and you’re just about to fall off. When you do manage to fall, it is scary at first, but then you realize that you are actually safe. There is a net. That’s sort of what I’m experiencing right now. I’m looking forward to the fall, and landing… and seeing what I learn, and where it takes me on this journey called life.

I feel utterly alone today. There is a very big spot in my chest that feels empty, and it hurts. I’m feeling off balance, and many other things. And, on top of it all, I feel very angry and disappointed with myself. Self-imposed prison… it’s what I know best, and what’s always been comfortable. Yet, it isn’t any longer. I want to break free, and run away… never looking back. I just don’t know how.

Adopt the pace of nature: her secret is patience.
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

I have so much to learn in this life. Daily, we all should learn something. But, my lifelong lesson, I believe, is to learn patience, and have it become a part of my being. I don’t know HOW to be patient. But, I’m TRYING to learn it, and accept life as it comes. It’s a hard lesson to learn, but, I truly want to learn it, and master it. There are so many wonderful people in my life who embrace patience with their every breath… and these people are ones that I look up to. My mother is the queen of patience. My sister has a plethra of it as well. And my lover was blessed with an abundance of it. Now, if three AMAZING women in my life have so much patience, wouldn’t you think that some of it would rub off on me? I know that if I can become a patient woman, then I think that I will have a much better life… filled with happiness like I’ve never known.

Being vulnerable doesn’t have to be threatening. Just have the courage to be sincere, open and honest. This opens the door to deeper communication all around. It creates self-empowerment and the kind of connections with others we all want in life. Speaking from the heart frees us from the secrets that burden us. These secrets are what make us sick or fearful. Speaking truth helps you get clarity on your real heart directives.
– Sara Paddison

I think that communication is probably the single more important basis to a relationship… and then more time that you spend getting to know someone, and share of yourself, and listen to what they have to say, then the more two people can grow closer. Just spending time talking… even if it isn’t deep… daily, makes a world of difference. I know, for me, it creates a level of trust that I desire. And it makes me feel safer with sharing those harder things. Holding all that crap in, locked inside my head, all alone, is a lot of pressure, for me. It’s healthy to have a way to release it. There are very few people that I trust, and even less that I let in… but, those that I do invite inside, I trust with my life.

There really are no words to describe my weekend with my girl. All I know is that it was an amazing weekend, and I can’t wait for our next weekend, together. Hell, I can’t wait to just see her on Tuesday…. who am I kidding. It doesn’t matter where we are, as long as we’re together. Because when we’re together, everything just clicks and makes sense. For once, it finally seems like life is going in the right direction.

I’m spending this weekend, in Long Beach, with my girl. There is no where else in this world that I want to be. If there is such a thing as heaven on earth, then I have found it within her embrace. It is the one place where I find myself feeling absolutely no fear, no doubts, no impatience. I feel nothing but love, tenderness, comfort, and a sense of belonging to another, completely. I am hers, without thought, without question. And in return, she is mine.